Friday, April 27, 2012

So Beautiful


“You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, when you meet them you think, “Not bad. They’re okay.” And then you get to know them and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something
                                                                                                                   so beautiful.”
I couldn’t have said it better.  This is exactly how I feel about some of the people who have become my best friends.  For me, outward beauty as the world sees it is just plain confusing.  Our culture has set standards of what is ‘beautiful’ and supposedly the closer you are to reaching those standards, the happier you’ll be.  If you’re beautiful, you’ll marry someone dashing and handsome and live happily ever after.  
But wait.  
Wouldn’t that mean that the more beautiful your husband/wife is, the happier you’ll be?  And therefore, the most beautiful couple will be the happiest?  And as you go down the line, getting further and further from the standard of beauty, you’ll be less and less happy because you didn’t find perfection in your spouse.  That sounds horrible!  All those of us who aren’t on the Most Beautiful People list are doomed to never marry happily.
That’s rubbish.
I know dozens of perfectly happy couples who are delightfully contented with the person they’ve chosen to spend their lives with.  The world might compare them to others and find them un-beautiful, but to each other they’re more beautiful than all the rest of the world.  I think they’re beautiful, too.
So beauty isn’t something that can be defined with one ideal.  Thank goodness!  
Maybe, because every person is different, every person has a different kind of beauty and sets their own standard.  That means that every single person is the most beautiful person in the world.
When you first meet someone, because you don’t know them, you don’t always know how to see their kind of beauty.  But as you get to know them, it emerges and they suddenly turn into something so beautiful.
It would make sense then that you see the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with as the most beautiful person.  You know them the best and can see their beauty like no one else.
This is all just speculation.  I don’t know if it’s true.  But it seems to fit well with how I see people, and I rather like the idea.  
So, to my wonderful friends reading this, I’d like to say something that you may or may not believe.  You might pass over this as just gushy sentiment that definitely wasn’t meant for you.  But even if you’re skeptical or even cynical, please give me a chance and trust that this is all true.  I’ve thought carefully about what I’m going to say and none of it is superfluous blather to make me sound loving and sweet.
I know what it is to see people I love deeply say they hate what they see when they look in a mirror.  It hurts, especially because I wish I could tell them how beautiful/good looking they are to me, but I know they won’t believe me.  When I look at them, I don’t see hair that’s boringly straight or hopelessly curly.  I don’t see acne, ever, no matter how much there is.  I really don’t.  I don’t see eyes that are too small or noses that are too big.  I see a person that I’ve come to love because I’ve had the privilege to get to know them, and to me, they are beautiful beyond compare.
This is me telling you that I promise, I swear, that when I look at you, I see a person who is beautiful.  Not just inner beauty.  I mean really and truly, good-looking, handsome, pretty, gorgeous, whatever you’d like to call it.
You are so beautiful.

10 comments:

  1. Wow! Carey that is great! Your writing is wonderful!!! <3 it! I am going to have a lot of fun following your blog now!
    ~Claire

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  2. Dear Dreamwriter129,

    I agree wholeheartedly that today's culture has defined what beauty is and what one person must do to achieve that to be acccepted in the world's eyes.
    I also agree that many couples are happy to be with the person they have chosen, not because of what the standard of beauty is, but the things they saw in that person when getting to know them.
    You wrote in your article when you look at a person you see them as beautiful, not just inner beauty; that you wish you could tell them how beautiful/good-looking they are, but they won't believe you. I find this very intriguing. Could you really tell a person face-to-face who had his/her face horribly disfigured that they are truly beautiful or handsome? Wouldn't it be lie to say that they are when they're not?
    And also do you believe physical beauty plays a part when finding that special person?
    Besides seeing people beautiful from the outside, I would love for you to explain more of what you see in people in particular that is beautiful.

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  3. Dear Philosopher,

    I'm so glad that you commented. I'm thrilled that someone is challenging me on what I wrote about. I'm also extremely curious as to your identity. Who are you?

    You asked really legitimate questions, and I've thought hard about how I want to answer. To answer about people who have horribly disfigured faces, I have a couple thoughts.

    First, when I wrote the section saying that I truly believe the person is beautiful/good looking, that was specifically directed at some people I know who don't believe they are beautiful/good looking. I do. I really think they are. But I don't know how to tell them in a way to make them believe me. This post was my way of doing that. Second, I admit that I have seen a person and thought, "wow, that is an extremely unattractive person." I've also come to be great friends with people whose looks I was at first sight unimpressed with. Eventually, I look back and can't think how I thought that, because suddenly that plain, ordinary face has their personality written all over it and to me it's truly beautiful. I don't have all the answers for when person's face is disfigured, but I imagine that if you got to know them, there's a good chance that you'd stop seeing the disfigurement, just like I've stopped seeing acne, and just see the person for who they are. It's a fine line between this and inner beauty, for sure. I would never want to lie to someone, so according to what I wrote in the post I'd want to get to know them before I judge their looks.

    To your second question, I think it certainly depends on the couple. I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in attraction at first sight. Physical beauty certainly can play a big part, but for me, personality is much more important. If you base marriage on physical beauty without taking personality into account, you're setting yourself up for trouble. But if that beauty stems from a love of their personality, then it can only increase as you get to know them.

    What I see in people in particular that is beautiful? I'm a little confused by your last sentence, but I've come to love people for their sense of humor, their enthusiasm for adventure, their thoughtfulness in how they go about life, how much they care for the people around them, especially their siblings, their perceptiveness about people, their ability to show friendship easily and make people feel special, the list goes on and on. I've personally found a lot of things in people that are beautiful.

    Let me know if I've answered your questions, or raised any more. Thanks for the chance to think critically and carefully. :)

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    Replies
    1. Carey,
      maybe in addition to knowing personality, we would want to understand the character of a person as well?

      and the to your answer to the first question about physical disfigurement. Last night I sat between a guy who had half of his head blown off during war and another man who lost both his legs escaping from a juvenal prison some 40 odd years ago....I don't know how many people understand this but when you allow your spirit to see people with a lense of love- grace- and peace, you begin to see them for who they really are as a person. Once you start to look through that lense, the least beautiful of people are beautiful. It's almost like an archaelogical site. The archaeologists keep digging until they find the treasure hidden underneath all the dirt, soil, and mud.

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    2. Hi,

      You're right, character is extremely important, and there is a sort of distinction between the two. In the context of this post, I was thinking of character as being included with their personality. In my first response to the Philosopher, above, in the list of things I appreciate about people there are qualities that require great character.

      And your story is absolutely true. I actually wrote a speech for a competitive speech and debate league earlier this year on that same topic: seeing people with love and grace, and how that reveals the beauties of each person. That often has to do with inner beauty when someone has been through what those men you sat next to have been through. The Philosopher challenged me about outer beauty, which in the light of everything we've been talking about is fairly complex, it seems.

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    3. I have a short response to this.....Faith, love, and hope but above all love.

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  4. Dear Dreamwriter129,

    You’re welcome. You write very well. As to my identity, let's just say I’m someone who shares a passion for helping people to discover how great they are.

    One of the greatest things I’ve learned in letting people know that they are beautiful/that they matter is not to tell them, but to show them through actions. Words are very powerful, they are like keys that can unlock people’s minds or forever close them. So letting someone know verbally that they’re beautiful is helpful, it lets them know that someone cares, but sometimes even then words aren’t enough.

    I have a friend who is an extremely talented pianist, but he had a problem with being socially awkward. I realized this firsthand when trying to get him to meet other people at a study. This study had a piano and he would go straight for it and would begin to play, content to be by himself. Every so often he would try to socialize with other people, but he would soon be back at the piano. As we got to know each other, he confided in me that he had a hard time making and keeping friends. I told him I understood and then established with him that I considered him a very good friend. He then tested me time and time again to see if I what I said was true. There were times where our relationship was strained, but I realized in my heart that he mattered and I wanted to show him that. As the years passed and we grew up, my actions, such as spending time and participating in events with him, proved to him that I considered him a good friend and that he mattered. He stopped the testing and our friendship blossomed from there and he changed dramatically. From playing alone, he would have at least one to several people with him at the piano. He would also socialize and participate in games with other people. I was excited to see how much he had grown. He is now in college and has made some very good friends. I'm excited to see what the future has in store for him.

    I know of another friend who is highly intelligent and has a photographic memory. We would argue about politics to absurd things like which is the better pet, dog or cat? Also whenever I said something wrong or incorrectly he was quick to correct me. Naturally, I was frustrated and I tried to win his respect by beating him at his own game, how wrong I was. Our heated debates/arguments caused our friendship quite a bit of tension. Then a wise old man told not win him through words but through actions. He had a friend just like me and what he did to let him know that he mattered was he would listen politely and ask him to explain more, to be attentive with what he was talking about and not debate him every step of the way. I realized that the wise old man was telling me to swallow my own pride and to put him first, to be caring and listen to what my friend I had to say. Naturally, my friend was surprised when I stopped debating him. He tried many times to get me in a debate, but I did exactly what the wise old man had told me. My friend saw that I cared about what he had to say and he stopped debating me (and others as well) and our friendship deepened. Whenever we see each other, I’m excited to see him and I consider him a very, very close friend.

    Actions prove what your words say. I hope this has helped in some way or another.

    You’ve answered my questions. Thank you. I’m sorry if my last question confused you, I was just curious to what you saw in people that made them beautiful. I now understand.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your stories! I'm so glad to hear that you share something that's close to my heart. I know how hard continuing to try and help someone that seems to be constantly testing your devotion to them can be.

      Words are powerful, and here on my blog they're my chosen venue, but I agree. When you go to act in an individual person's life, your actions are usually much more important. God bless!

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  5. Great Post!!!. :)

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  6. Hannah SocolofskyMay 3, 2012 at 2:09 PM

    This was a fantastic post, and a great reminder to me that, once again, outward beauty IS NOT THE POINT. Finding the true beauty in every person I meet is my goal. Sometimes it's harder than others. But it's a wonderful way to learn to love everyone around me.

    Thank you for this post. God has given you such a sweet spirit.

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